The Dolphin Report

By Ron Poltorack


We all know there are enough conspiracy theories out there to keep even the most paranoid person happy.  But haven’t we had more than enough of the grassy knoll, Beatles’ songs played backwards, the aliens at Roswell and Obama’s birth in Kenya.  That’s why it is nice to report on a conspiracy theory that one can truly treasure.

 Reports are now surfacing that the NFL lockout is really not about greedy billionaire owners fighting with greedy millionaire players over $9.3 billion dollars.  You know what they say:  “Things are not always how they seem.”  So, perhaps there is more to the story. 

 It is widely believed in football circles that Dolphins’ GM Jeff Ireland is in serious jeopardy of being run out of Miami if the Dolphins don’t markedly improve in 2011.  For him to survive, he would have to hit on this year’s draft picks and free agents.  That would also mean that the new assistant coaches would have to all work out well.  So what are the chances of all of that happening!  Especially with his track record as GM!  Thus, reports are now spreading around that it was Ireland who launched a diabolical plan to take the heat off himself this year by, incredibly enough, making the NFL Draft and free agency totally irrelevant, and by subverting the entire 2011 season.  Hence, the lockout.

 The full details have not yet emerged as to just how Ireland was able to create an artificial deadlock between the owners and the players, not to mention get the owners to agree on a lockout, but somehow that is what the reports are suggesting.  And it all makes sense.  How can he be fired next January if none of his draft picks ever miss a tackle or drop a pass?  How can he get a pink slip if he doesn’t give oodles of money to a free agent receiver who never catches a pass?  How can he be fired if his new offensive coordinator doesn’t get out-coached week in and week out?  And while the owners will lose enormous chunks of revenue in 2011 and the players will lose their huge salaries, Ireland will still be collecting his paycheck.  Wow!  Diabolical!  Brilliant! 

 For sure every conspiracy theory out there always brings with it the doubters, those who say that things just couldn’t have happened that way.  And there will no doubt be dissenters as this conspiracy theory continues to take root.  Yes, they will say how can a bumbling GM who mistook Pat While for a bona fide NFL football player orchestrate such a complex plan that required manipulating 32 NFL owners and the NFL Players Association (along with its 1,500 members)?  They will ask how could Ireland—who looked on helplessly as Fins Owner Stephen Ross made a fool out of his buddy Tony Sparano at the end of last season—be capable of manipulating the entire football world?  Hmmmm, very tough questions indeed!  Maybe this isn’t a conspiracy theory one can really treasure after all. 

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